FARTICLE15

HOA Troll

******** HOA,

            In accordance with a recent warning to remove my “holiday décor,” I have used all 14 days of my grace period to enjoy that which brings me joy, but have removed my lights in accordance with the demands of those who enforce their rules on the home that I own.  Be it known that my only motivation for compliance is that I am too fed up with enough petty aggravations to waste more valuable time fighting a fine that goes to an organization that provides little to nothing to the community they claim to serve.  

            Upon notification that my “holiday décor” must be removed, I drove throughout ******** and observed many homes with their “holiday décor” still gloriously lit and making the neighborhood beautiful and I thoroughly appreciated those neighbors, especially after the thoroughly crappy year we have all endured and just wanted to prolong the joy.  I couldn’t help but wonder…. Are these lights “holiday décor?”  Did any of the nameless, faceless, neighborhood HOA snitches knock on the door and ask the question before flagging them as violators?

            What if they were diversity lights?  Party Gras lights for those of us who couldn’t get to Mardi Gras in New Orleans or Gasparilla in Tampa this year?  Emotional support exterior illumination for those experiencing heightened anxiety in hard times?  Different colored lights that could represent St. Patrick’s Day or even Easter?  They could have been LGBT Pride lights.  Perhaps security lights that provide greater illumination than a single garage or porch light, especially where street lighting is miserably insufficient (a common complaint from many of the residents) to deter home invaders or dirtbags breaking into cars.  Maybe, just maybe, some residents just enjoy pretty things that in no way impact their neighbors.  Frankly, all of the above are grounds for a lawsuit against the HOA based upon bi-law assumptions of any religious, secular, or progressive stereotype based on what month it happens to be on the calendar.  Keeping this for posterity should I be compelled to pursue such action in the event of future harassment and discrimination.

            Do we require our military veteran residents to remove their service flags because they are no longer in uniform?  Do we require residents to remove the flags of their favorite sports team when the season is over?  Do we ban residents from feeding peanuts to the squirrels because one of the neighbors has a peanut allergy?  Do we ban residents from parking a Ford Bronco in their driveway because we all know O.J. is guilty as ****?  Do we demand that every resident spend their own personal money to stain their fences the same color because the sub-HOA demanded so, despite that requirement being nowhere in their contract?  Wait, disregard that last one because ****** **** already did that and as many warned, it looked like absolute trash a few months later after the landscapers trashed the stain jobs with their weed whackers.  Good job!

            Out of curiosity, what are we getting from the HOA these days?  I mean, besides the snitches with nothing better to do than be snitches?  More teeny bopper lifeguards that couldn’t pass any aptitude test to save their own lives, let alone those of the kids using the pool as their own personal porta-potty?  What am I getting for my monthly dues for you to tell me what I can and can’t do with the home for which you pay 0% of my mortgage?  For $58 a month per resident, I think we can pool our resources to purchase “services” to alleviate whatever frustrations the dried up snitches are taking out on the residents.  Tinder, Grindr, Onlyfans, battery operated, whatever floats your boat.  No kink shaming here because everyone needs a release and I am all about helping my neighbors and solving problems.

            In these woke times of political correctness, inclusiveness, and diversity, I feel judged.  I feel attacked.  I feel persecuted.  I feel cancelled.  SHAME ON YOU!!!

            To my neighbors who kept their lights up and shining into February and March, I thank you.  You are the real heroes!  You brought my heart joy every time I drove through the neighborhood at night and I appreciate every one of you.  We stand in solidarity against the snitches and incels.  I salute you all!

XOXOXO,

Over it resident

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