One More Year in the Books and I’m Still Kickin’

Adios 2015 and hello 2016!  Honestly, the new year doesn’t mean shit to me other than struggling to remember what to write in the date field of the checks I send to bill collectors.  Seriously, if I bought it on 31 December, would anyone cried over my grave saying, “if only he lived to see 2016?”  Fuck no!  No one gives a shit!  And new year resolutions are a load of crap.  You want to make a change?  Fucking make it now!  What are you waiting for?  If I decide on January 1st that I need to lose weight, get in shape, quit smoking, quit drinking, go vegan, get my asshole bleached, and stop waving my dick at strangers on airplanes, is it traditionally acceptable for me to wait another 364 days to make a positive change and cut the cord to my self destructive behavior?  New Years resolutions are bullshit excuses and a crutch to justify to oneself the failures to take necessary and immediate action to improve themselves.  Doesn’t make them bad people at all.  Hell, we are all fucked up in our own unique and hypocritical ways.  It just makes us all the one thing we share in common.  We are all big fat fucking liars.

Of course there are things about myself I hope to change and improve upon, but at the end of the day, I love my life and I love who I am.  Everyone I know and care about loves me as much as I love them.  Sure, as I get older, there are things I need to fix and I will get right on it when I am ready, but some bullshit resolution that serves to neither inspire me beyond January 2nd, but magically bears down upon me as a self-imposed guilt complex when I fail myself is a useless and hollow endeavor.  Fuck that! I have too much awesomeness in my life to burdened by a dumbass promise I made to myself while having a “moment of clarity.”

I will admit that something I like to do at the beginning of the new year is to reflect upon the last year for a little self assessment. The last year was less of a roller coaster than most, for which I’m thankful.  It was my first full year flying alone and unafraid since my shrink booted me from therapy.  My kid continues to evolve and amaze me every single day.  I still have a job.  I hate my job with a passion, but it pays the bills and provides me hope that I may still be able to make a positive impact on my chosen profession, so I still give it my absolute best effort.  I bought a house and I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!  I attended the funerals for two family members and successfully managed to get through them both without losing it.  Anyone who knows me knows that funerals are a trigger for me, so I am quite proud of myself for not losing my shit.

I talked a few veterans out of making the ultimate sacrifice at their own hands.  PTSD is a cold and ruthless bitch.  I may be wrong, but based upon my own experiences dealing with my own experiences and the experiences of others is that it never goes away.  You either overcome the demons or the demons overcome you.  Kind of like the movie A Beautiful Mind, the true story of Dr. Nash.  If you haven’t seen it, check it out.  However, unlike the hallucinations of Dr. Nash, our demons are real because they are manifestations of the past experiences that we actually lived and managed to survive.  I thought a lot about how Dr. Nash managed to overcome his hallucinations and live his life without succumbing to his demons by training himself to not acknowledge the hallucinations and realize that they won’t help him and cannot hurt him if he refused to allow them to do so.  It takes a strong mind and will to reach that level.  A little different from those who burn from PTSD as our demons are far more personal and often rooted in guilt, whether rational or not, the pain is very real.  Unlike Dr. Nash, we can’t just ignore our demons because our demons are a part of us and we are a part of them.

What I have learned over the last year, and strive to continue to improve upon, is that those demons have no control over me.  I still have my rough times, but I have learned to not try to distract myself from the thoughts and memories that are eating me, that just delays and enflames the resolve of my enemy.  Instead, I try to fill my time with more productive and useful endeavors.  Home improvement projects, hanging out with friends, playing with my dog, talking to fellow vets, training rookies how to kill people and break shit, pranking my co-workers, driving my truck, watching football, you name it.  Any time spend with my kid is a win, be it from making dinner together to helping her with homework to watching a movie to playing a game or the simple and great joy of just having a conversation and learning about life and the world from her perspective.  That is what I call living!

I can’t make the demons disappear, but I can sure as fuck enjoy the life I have and flip those demons the finger with a defiant grin and a big FUCK YOU!!!  This is my life.  They can’t have it.  It is mine and I am living it MY way!

I finished up my year about as strong as I could hope for.  I spent Christmas and New Years with family, having some laughs, having fun, drinking some beer, watching the NORAD Santa Tracker, opening presents, eating a disturbing amount of excellent food, enjoying the decorations and lights, listening to fireworks going off, and toasting in the new year with cheap champagne and good times.  I love my family and friends above all!  If only every day could be like the last week of every year.  That is what I strive to make of this life.  Too much joy laying on the table to not be claimed.

So what did I learn over the year of 2015?  Not a fucking thing I didn’t already know throughout my adult life, I just took better advantage of the opportunities to enjoy life when and where I can.  I am pretty damn happy about that.  Nothing profound, just make the best of everything.  If you needed a shithead like me to point that out to you, you need better friends!  What is my resolution for 2016?  TRICK QUESTION ASSHOLE!!!  I said I don’t believe in New Years resolutions, sucker!  Fuck resolutions!  If you want to fix shit, then fucking fix it and quit dicking around!  Life is short and as far as any one of us knows, this is the only one we are guaranteed.  You might be run over by a taxi or eaten by a shark tomorrow.  Though I don’t do resolutions, I do have goals.  Here they are in priority order….

  1. Get laid

Yeah, that’s all I’ve got for now.  I find it is best to start simple and be stoked when goals are exceeded…

For all of you wasting your lives by reading my incoherent bullshit on this page, thank you I love every damn one of you!




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